CONVERSATIONAL CORNER

 In this episode I shared with our listeners the Stages of Relationships.  I was totally unaware that there were actual STAGES.  I just thought we started off one way and we ended up another way and that was just it.  Nevertheless, I was researching information to assist me in facilitating a relationship class; and came across these stages, and they have stuck with me ever since. But, as I mentioned on the show, just because you know better, does not mean you will ALWAYS do better.  However, for me it does mean, I will make a conscious decision to TRY and do better the next time. My motto is ‘to be better than I was yesterday’.

In my opinion the Stages of Relationships are somewhat of a blueprint as to what to expect and not to automatically panic; and hopefully realize that the relationship is not coming to an end, because we keep running INTO bumps in the roads. I have come to understand it is not the difference that will destroy our relationship, it is how we managed those differences. It is also about us changing and growing and evolving into a Healthy Commitment Relationship, which I believe most of us would like to experience at least once in our life time.

So, check out the Stages of Relationships below, to you know what COULD be GOING on, before you starting thinking you SHOULD be moving on.

STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS

1. ROMANTIC LOVE

This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love.  Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless.   It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required.

2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY

Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak; other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality.

3. THE POWER STRUGGLE

As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.

4. RE-EVALUATION

The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person?   You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.

5. RECONCILIATION

In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won’t go away, and that neither person can really change the other.

6. ACCEPTANCE

The final stage in a committed relationship, which researchers estimate less than 5% of couples ever reach, is one of complete Acceptance. There is an integration of the need of the self and the needs of the relationship. Each person takes responsibility for their own needs, for their own individual lives, and also for providing support for their partner. A high level of warmth is present. The couple is able to maintain a balance between autonomy and union. Conflicts still arise on occasion, but as a result of the struggles of the previous stage, the couple has figured out how to resolve most conflicts relatively quickly.

To read the full article on the Stages of Relationships please visit the Relationship Institute at: www.relationship-institute.com

Until next time, be true to you

Charlette

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