When Is It Over? ……… The Relationship Blues!

Posted: February 8, 2011 in Relationships
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 In this episode I shared with our listeners the Stages of Relationships.  I was totally unaware that there were actual STAGES.  I just thought we started off one way and we ended up another way and that was just it.  Nevertheless, I was researching information to assist me in facilitating a relationship class; and came across these stages, and they have stuck with me ever since. But, as I mentioned on the show, just because you know better, does not mean you will ALWAYS do better.  However, for me it does mean, I will make a conscious decision to TRY and do better the next time. My motto is ‘to be better than I was yesterday’.

In my opinion the Stages of Relationships are somewhat of a blueprint as to what to expect and not to automatically panic; and hopefully realize that the relationship is not coming to an end, because we keep running INTO bumps in the roads. I have come to understand it is not the difference that will destroy our relationship, it is how we managed those differences. It is also about us changing and growing and evolving into a Healthy Commitment Relationship, which I believe most of us would like to experience at least once in our life time.

So, check out the Stages of Relationships below, to you know what COULD be GOING on, before you starting thinking you SHOULD be moving on.

STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS

1. ROMANTIC LOVE

This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love.  Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless.   It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required.

2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY

Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak; other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality.

3. THE POWER STRUGGLE

As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.

4. RE-EVALUATION

The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person?   You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.

5. RECONCILIATION

In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won’t go away, and that neither person can really change the other.

6. ACCEPTANCE

The final stage in a committed relationship, which researchers estimate less than 5% of couples ever reach, is one of complete Acceptance. There is an integration of the need of the self and the needs of the relationship. Each person takes responsibility for their own needs, for their own individual lives, and also for providing support for their partner. A high level of warmth is present. The couple is able to maintain a balance between autonomy and union. Conflicts still arise on occasion, but as a result of the struggles of the previous stage, the couple has figured out how to resolve most conflicts relatively quickly.

To read the full article on the Stages of Relationships please visit the Relationship Institute at: www.relationship-institute.com

Until next time, be true to you

Charlette

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From The Baby Bed To The Prison Bed

Posted: January 31, 2011 in Education, Family/Children, Parenting
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As Cuya and I started our conversation about education and the incarceration system; I couldn’t help, but wonder why Multiple Intelligence (MI) has not been implemented into the education system. 

I was first introduced to MI when my son was 3 years old.  The daycare he attended worked with my son using different learning styles.  I was so impressed by his progress that I knew he would be fully prepared for the kindergarten.

Even as early as 3 years of age, my son learned best through physical movement and he thrived off of this type of learning style. However, back then I did not know he was being taught based on the Multiple Intelligence theory. I just assumed he would do well in any type of educational setting.

Much to my surprise I was totally wrong! My son has had academic challenges, difficulties and years of frustration, due to the current education system. And, its inability to adapt to the learning styles of all children/students.

It was about 6 years later; while completing my Master’s Degree in Family Life Education, I was reintroduced to Multiple Intelligence.  I fell in love with the theory all over again. I even developed a parenting program (SKILLS4LIFE) outlining the benefits and advantages of Multiple Intelligence in the classroom. 

It is my hope that one day the education system will start to focus less on what we are educating our children and more on how we are educating our children?

For more information on Multiple Intelligence please visit http://www.thomasarmstrong.com/multiple_intelligences.php 

And, don’t forget to listen our conversation on Blog Talk Radio

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Out Of Control Teens…..What is going on?

Posted: January 21, 2011 in Family/Children
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Check out Episode 3 Out Of Control Teen……What is going on?
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Research has shown that school aged children may act-out due to several different reason. I for one believe many children are Out Of Control due to lack of Emotional Control. I’m a huge fan of the theory Emotional Intelligence (EI). In short, Emotional Intelligence is basically about understanding your own emotions and the emotions of others. But, that is just my take on it.
I encourage you to listen to this short video on Emotional Intelligence for a better understanding.

Click the link below:

Be true to you,
Charlette

Marriage…..What Is That?

Posted: January 13, 2011 in Relationships
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To listen to the show please click the bottom below

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Check out these Unhealthy Relationship Types by Dr. Kathy Nickerson. For more information on unhealthy relationship types visit: www.drkathynickerson.blogspot.com

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TYPES

TYPE 1: DISCONNECTOR
You can’t be in a loving relationship if you don’t love yourself. No one else can fill that void for you, so you must fill it before you’re in a relationship. Partners should complement each other, not complete each other. It’s fine to have different strengths, but we can’t lean too much on our partners to handle situations for us because that’s too much of a burden. One person can’t solve all of their problems and all of your problems, so you need to do your part to carry your own weight.

To know if this is your type, ask yourself some questions:
- Do I look for others’ input before making any decision – even small ones?
- Am I unable to make choices or decisions without reassurance from others?
- Do I trust the decisions I will make on my own?
- What am I afraid will happen if I make the wrong decision?

If you see a pattern of fear of making a decision without reassurance from others, you probably would benefit from doing some work to boost your confidence.

To help yourself heal from this pattern of thinking and behavior:
- Do a reality check: How many people think negatively of you? What evidence is there that you’re incompetent or unintelligent?
- Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Where and when do you feel best? Spend more time with the people that make you feel good, do activities that make you feel good.
- Boost your self confidence. You can do this by increasing your fitness level (nothing lifts your mood like exercise), join a new group, sign up to try a new dance class, join a book club, volunteer to help at a shelter, or try an online support group.
- Go for it – make decisions, start small and then work up to big ones, without input from others and see how it goes? If it goes well, proceed; if it didn’t work out, analyze what went wrong and why. You might discover that some of your beliefs are a bit unrealistic. If so, challenge yourself to try to accept that no one is perfect and you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

TYPE 2: PROJECTIONIST

When we project our beliefs onto other people, we do both them and us a disservice. No two people are carbon copies and if you try to make someone a carbon copy or try to fit someone into a mold, you might be missing out on the best parts. Not unlike the dough that gets tossed away after you’ve pressed in a cookie cutter; the things we toss aside have equal – and maybe more – value that what we’re trying to force.

To know if this is your type, ask yourself:
- What do you expect of yourself?
- Do you have flexible or rigid beliefs?
- Do people often tell you that you don’t give them enough credit?
- Do you make assumptions about someone early in a relationship?
- Are you quick to accept or dismiss people based on what you assume about them?
- Try any of the activities listed above to boost self confidence (see Type 1).

If this is your type:
- Look for evidence to support your existing beliefs: is dad really perfect? Was Michael the ideal boyfriend than no one can compare to?
- Challenge yourself to find some flaws in the things/people you think are perfect.
- List your expectations and evaluate them for reasonableness: would most people want or expect what you do? If not, what’s a more realistic expectation?
- What do you see as the pros and cons of being perfect? One pro could be that everywhere you go, people admire you; one con might be that you have to work so hard to maintain your image that you’re constantly stressed, anxious, and nervous. High anxiety is not conducive to a well balanced relationship.

TYPE 3: THE SHADOW SELF

The shadow is our rejected self. Everyone has a shadow and the healthiest people are those who seek to understand their shadow and embrace it. To be in a loving relationship, you need to be okay with who you are and who you’re not. No one expects you to be perfect; none of us are. We all have baggage that we carry with us and it’s better to know where our weak spots are so we can attend to them and reign them in when need be. If we ignore parts of ourselves, we aren’t really being true to who we are.

To know if this is your type, ask yourself:
- Are there certain things you refuse to talk about?
- When you think about your personality or your behavior, are there parts you are so embarrassed about that you’d be horrified if anyone knew?
- Do you feel more flawed than most people?
- Do you worry that there’s something really wrong with you?

If this is your type:
- Think about the parts of yourself that you push away or reject. What thoughts and feelings do you have about these parts?
- In thinking about others, do they have shadow elements like yours? For those that do, how are they doing? How do they manage their shadows?
- Usually we reject something to protect ourselves. So if you allowed yourself to embrace your shadow, what would it say about you? How would you feel? What would you think?
- Try any of the activities listed above to boost self confidence (see Type 1).

TYPE 4: THE CLINGER

In a healthy relationship, you should feel free to pursue your own life and your interests, while knowing that your partner will always be there for you, will rush to your side if you’re hurt, and that you can always count on them. If you are not sure about these things, or if you doubt your partner is really committed to you, you’re likely to be pretty anxious and overly clingy in a relationship.

To know if this is you, ask yourself:
- Do I feel free to go and do my own thing? Does my partner feel the same?
- Do I get really nervous when I am not with my partner?
- Do I worry when I am alone?
- Do I feel the need to be with my partner 24/7
- Would I give up things that are important to me to be with me partner?

If you are seeing a pattern of choosing your partner over yourself, then you may need to spend some time trying to differentiate yourself and to reduce your anxiety.

If this is your type, try the following:
- Identify when and where you get clingy. What’s going on when you’re most clingy? What are you thinking? What are you afraid of?
- When your partner goes out, what do you assume? What are you telling yourself?
- List all of the answers to the above and analyze your answers, what patterns do you see? For each pattern you identify, challenge yourself to find an alternative way of acting or some alternative thoughts that you could hold on to instead. If you’re having trouble with this, do this activity with a trusted friend, they can help you see yourself and your answers more honestly and give you some helpful suggestions.
- Try any of the activities listed above to boost self confidence (see Type 1).

Stay In Your Lane!

Posted: January 10, 2011 in Relationships
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Check out our first show on Blog Talk Radio
Originally Air on 01/08/2011

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